Thursday, 18 December 2008
Thursday, 11 December 2008
Thursday, 4 December 2008
Tuesday, 2 December 2008
Monday, 1 December 2008
Looking for cards? Look no further my friends. Check out Wendy's range here.
Wednesday, 26 November 2008
I started the day at 5.15am with a trip to the gym. All done with the intention of negating any guilt I might feel for drinking that bottle of bubbles that is in the fridge. Bubbles and peach nectar. Mmm, the Bellini.
Mum and Dad sent me money to buy this book. On you M and D - they know what I like! I think I am getting a bike from Steve and Minnie - I need to try it out so it's not going to be a surprise. Unless they blind fold me and tell me that I am trying out a new chair (I have a bit of a chair thing and would fill the house with them if I could). Still, I may wonder why the chair has handle bars...
An early dinner out with Steve and Minnie. Nothing fancy pants as Minnie is not into sommeliers or degustation menus or $40.00 entrées. Give her a prawn and pork bun and she’s happy. But she does want us to wear dresses. We may look a little out of place at the bistro with our frocks on. Especially Steve…
It’s been a less than joyous year. Moving into the blue house has been wonderful. Loosing Alice has been shit. Hoping that this next year of my very mid 30’s will be a lot better. Perhaps it will be a most excellent year.
Clink, clink - here's to excellent years.
Friday, 21 November 2008
Over the past few months I have been getting spam from a 'naughty' magazine. I am not going to say the 'P' word that rhymes with 'torn' as I don't want a million pimply teenager boys heading to my blog on the promise of some 'P' that rhymes with 'fawn.' So I have been deleting the 'offensive' emails and complaining loudly to my husband.
Until one day...
One day I read the title of the offending email not just the name of the sender. Strangely the title of this 'P' word that rhymes with 'fawn' included the word 'Craft.' Craft. Craft? I could hear the tiny mice on the treadmills inside my brain and the little cogs started whirring. From way deep inside my what can now be only referred to the useless grey mass inside my head, a flicker of recognition. Something familiar about the email. Something familiar about the sender. The little flicker of recognition became a thought that became a huge 'ohhhh.'
You see I have been complaining and deleting and complaining about all the emails from BUST. Not a naughty magazine for pimply boys but BUST the super cool women's magazine. I had been deleting the emails that I had signed up for.
Some days the tiny mice are not working hard enough...
Tuesday, 18 November 2008
1. I hate tight underpants.
2. I prefer to sleep on the side of the bed that is closest to the door.
3. I don't like rats tails. Rat bodies are OK but they have the tail of a reptile and that is just not right.
4. Sometimes I take sugar in my coffee and tea then sometimes I don't. I like to keep people guessing.
5. I swear like a trooper in the car. I try not to swear like a trooper in the car because my little co-pilot can also swear like a trooper. Not such a good thing.
6. I do not own any yellow clothes but I love my yellow handbag and my yellow shoes (but not at the same time).
7. I dream of finding small country towns that have wonderful bakery's and rambling junk stores. That's all I need.
I am not going to tag anyone on this one as I know everyone in the blogging world has done it already. But feel free to leave a quirky fact in the comments section.
And one of the sweetest people I know, Mary-Beth, awarded me this sometime back - thank you for thinking of me.
Monday, 17 November 2008
On other earthly matters, the snakes have not made a further appearance. Must be waiting to scare the pants off me another day. I have my very own snake specialist friend now - Beverley calls to check on the snake sitings and provides an overview of snake comings and goings in the Shire. Makes me feel safer knowing we have Beverley on call.
And a final green report, I have resisted buying snail pellets for our garden. I have lost 3 pumpkin seedlings, 12 lettuce seedlings, 1 eggplant, a mass of sorrel leaves and part of the cucumber plant. I have built barricades and enclosures out of bird netting and I am trying to lure the snails to the 'pit of death' with good German beer. Have they fallen for the 'pit of death'? No, they have not. I can only surmise that we are in wine country...
Thursday, 13 November 2008
I try to be green. I recycle, I compost, I shop at op shops (the re-use box ticked there) and I have voted for people like this lovely man. As a child I remember our whole family loudly protesting against this bit of Tasmanian history. We were in tree planting groups and helped saved wildlife and monitored the platypus population in our river. I went to hippie festivals and I sometimes eat tofu. I buy the 'greener, safer' options for some household products and I have been known to use a little vinegar and baking powder around the place. So I decided to try a new washing powder out on the market. I had such high hopes, I really did. I was willing it to work. Wishing that it would end my relationship with our current washing powder.
My husband got the washing off the line. He wondered what had happened because some grime/dirt was on his shorts and his trousers and his tee-shirt. Mmm, I said and inspected the clothes. Mmm, they still had some grime on them. Mmm, they were not as clean as they should have been. I was deflated. I so wanted to fall in love with this new, nicely packaged, happy and earth loving powder.
Do you live with slightly less clean clothes and the warm feeling of being good to the plant? Or do you use the powder that may be slowly killing off the waterways but by golly, you look great in that clean, white tee-shirt?
Mmm, but I do look good in white...
Tuesday, 11 November 2008
Monday, 10 November 2008
Daisy is terribly flighty and a complete wreck at the moment. I think its a combination of the move, being outside sometimes (she was a full time inside cat at our last house) and just picking up on the stress and sadness in the house.
I wriggled my toe on Saturday and she jumped 2 feet in the air. She does not handle a metatarsal movement well. All this stress has resulted in oral blisters, ulcers and inflamed gums. She over grooms and then gets fur balls. She vomits and goes off her food.
Friday, 7 November 2008
If you take me out and leave me teetering on the bench, then I could fall and crack.
My Dr thinks I am a bit fragile at the moment. I guess she is right. I saw her yesterday and she was, as always, lovely. We talked about Alice and about some of the results we are still waiting for. She asked how I was coping. How my husband is coping. She asked THE questions to see if there was any sign of PND. She offered counselling, if we ever feel we need it. And she talked about all the things we are doing right. Like visiting sites like this and this and this and reading the stories of people who have been through similar experiences.
I told her about a friend I have never met that has helped me more than she will ever know just by being on the other end of an email and letting me open the floodgates. Sadly this friend knows more than me about the pain of loss. Thank you Tiff, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
In January this year I had a miscarriage. It was early in the pregnancy. It was all straightforward. I didn't need to go to the hospital. We were sad, disappointed and I felt miserable for quite a while. A few months passed and I was pregnant again. I was nervous from the start. I counted every week, just aching to get to 12 weeks. Then all was fine. All was OK. It looks great.
But it wasn't.
You know the rest.
No more babies this year.
Its been 8 weeks since Alice was born. Since Alice died. We have the birth certificate now. The death certificate has not returned. Good. They can keep that for as long as they like.
I know she is dead.
Wednesday, 5 November 2008
Minnie has had a 3 day obsession with Spiderman. She had never seen him or heard of him until Monday. At her bestest friend's house it all started. I don't think he has ever seen him but he has the costume. Oh how she fell in love with the blue and red spandex. Oh how she screamed when she left. Oh how I folded like a pack of cards/bent like a willow and said she could have her very own costume. So over the past 2 days we have visited 5 stores in search of a Spiderman costume in a size 2-3. Do you think we could find one?
I can hear you all saying 'but you could just make one!' Yes you are right there but you have not seen the cat costume I made out of a DKNY top. Donna would die if she saw what happened. So the one time when I decide just to buy the blooming thing that cost 2 cents to make we can't find one. In the 5th store we found some red and blue spandex but its Superman. Minnie had no idea who or what Superman is but she told me in the store 'I love Superman.' How could I refuse? In the panic to get out of the Big store before any more love affairs began I didn't get the cape that goes with the suit. Oops. Double oops. But the ever resourceful Minnie decided it is was OK to wear her 'brown elephant cape' (it matches her elephant softie) with the new outfit. Add the pink boots. Lovely combination.
Maybe Donna would forgive the cat costume when she sees this ensemble?
Tuesday, 4 November 2008
I am not sure who won the Melbourne Cup. Gone are the days of wearing a strange thing on my head and drinking bubbles in the afternoon. I am also a little squirmy about gambling. Once upon a time a worked in community welfare and got to see some of the results of gambling. And no, it wasn't commonly a big fancy house and a car and lots of gold jewellery. I understand that a little flutter is fun and all but for some people it ain't that easy.
(This is fast becoming a rather random post...)
We had a builder here today to supply quotes for skylights. As he was looking at the kitchen, Minnie ran in and announced very loudly 'I want to wee in the garden like Daisy-Cat.' Priceless. So was the look on his face.
I will be back soon with some photos of the sewing room - new storage solutions are in place. But it still looks like a squat in there... Give me a few days. My dear friend and I both spend a lot of our sleeping and waking hours dreaming/thinking of storage solutions. Hours spent at Ikea, at Ikea.com.au and in the Ikea catalogue. Does this happen to all women when they become adults/parents/WAHM's?
Monday, 3 November 2008
And don't forget to vote, my American friends.
Wednesday, 29 October 2008
Monday, 27 October 2008
Thursday, 23 October 2008
Wednesday, 22 October 2008
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
Finally Minnie dozed off but awoke a million times, perhaps because she is still a little unwell. She demanded to sleep on my 'boobies' so I was either flat on back and apparently woke everyone with my snoring, or on my side with Minnie lying over me. She was weaned in May after 2 years and 4 months of feeding but obviously still finds comfort in the 'boobies.' We were up and down as every now and then she would wake, scream and head to the lounge room. Steve just got kicked in the head and back most of the night. To add to this the cat was going mental and knocked glasses of water over on the bedside tables. Plus both Steve and I had similar disturbing dreams about the economy...
Sunday, 19 October 2008
As the weather is now really warming up, I don't think we will spend much time in doors at all.
Unless it has been too cool, we eat our dinners and lunches outside too. This salad, with Thai style dressing (I use oil, lemon or lime juice, palm sugar, fish sauce and chili), went with the chili lemongrass chicken that is being cooked by the master bbq'er. Sadly none of the salad leaves are from our garden as we have only had the garden in for 2 weeks...
Since moving in we have had two lovely Sunday lunches with wonderful friends and family. Long afternoons of eating and drinking and sometimes loosing the odd toddler (he was fine - just busy in the garden...)
Today our niece, The Little Bear, came for lunch. What a hoot she is. We had some delicious salads from this great book and a lovely afternoon. Minnie has a cold and was not feeling too grand - she feel asleep on the couch after lunch. Minnie loves The Little Bear and was very miserable when she awoke to find that she had gone home. Lots of tears... But Minnie was happy to look at photos of The Little Bear in action.
And after a few weeks away, I am back in the sewing saddle with a few orders to complete. My sewing room is a nightmare but I can manage to squeeze past the mess to the sewing machine. I have a few new designs to list this week and lots more in my head waiting to get out!
I hope you all had a lovely week.
Wednesday, 15 October 2008
Monday, 13 October 2008
Some photos of Minnie painting. What started as leaf printing moved onto hand printing and then onto big hand prints on my trousers...
We have more weeds than grass in our lawn. On the weekend we bought a lawnmower. A house and now a lawnmower - no mistaking that we have reached middle age.
The chair was a roadside rubbish find from a house just around the corner. Well actually 2 wooden chairs were. I was 'caught' taking the chairs by the owner, Jan. After chatting to me for a few minutes she took me into the house to see if I would like to have this orange chair. Jan's mother had just entered a care home and she was cleaning out 50 years of her parents life from the house. Jan knew our new house well as she played here as a child 50 years ago. 'Shame you weren't here yesterday, she said, as I had an art deco sideboard and some cupboards that you would have loved.'
Another day, another roadside rubbish pile perhaps...
Thursday, 9 October 2008
We collected Alice's ashes this week. A little urn in a little velvet box.
I wonder who makes these little urns? And the little white coffins?
I know people who had lost babies during their pregnancy and I know people who have lost their newborn babies. What I didn't know was that there are so many people who have lost babies. Work colleagues, friends of friends, friends of people I have recently met and a frightening number of women who I have found on blogs and websites all over the world.
I wonder how many women that I pass in the street carry this sadness inside? How women have this hole that they can never fill?
I guess it is a lot more than I could ever imagine.
Friday, 3 October 2008
Today I received the death certificate. The birth certificate hasn't arrived. Death is a priority at the records office.
It arrived registered post. We thought it may have been a gift for Minnie from a grandparent or a forgotten order from Amazon or a returned-to-sender item from my etsy store. As soon as I saw the envelope I knew it was one of two things. Birth or Death - one of the two.
I opened it outside the post office. It was the certificate telling me that she had died. Telling me that she was never married, had no children, had no occupation, lived all her life at the same address, that she had two parents and why she died.
In their haste to get the certificate out, they made a mistake. It has to go back. They have to fix it.
Her birth certificate should arrive next week. I hope it does. For a few days I can look at that one and part of me can ignore the other certificate. I know that it doesn't change anything but it would be nice for them to tell me that she was here with us, a part of our lives, our community and our world before they tell us that she has died and will never be here again.
Tuesday, 30 September 2008
The first morning at the blue house. I have only just found the camera again amongst the chaos. Breakfast outside for Minnie. Yes, that is paint all over the table and jam. A whole (tiny) jar of French jam was emptied. 'I can do it all by my self...'
I sat and looked at these flowers in our garden for the longest time. 'Birds of Paradise.' And as we roll into the middle of the second week here it is beginning to feel a little more like paradise. Long afternoons digging in the garden. Neglecting things like unpacking in favour of trips to the garden centre. Hours pouring over our new gardening books and old design magazines. Minnie starting the day by announcing 'I must do my gardening forever' as she heads our the back with her gardening tools.
But there is a big hole. I catch my reflection in the french doors. The roundness of my tummy is long gone. Just an empty place where someone belongs.
Saturday, 27 September 2008
So after Alice died I came home from the hospital and I filled cartons with our lives and squeezed remnants of the things we had lost into suitcases and shoe boxes and old bags. I still had on my hospital wrist bands and I couldn't change out of the clothes I wore when Alice was alive and when she died. I didn't want to wash her from me and waited until the next day before I could do this.
I drove many times between the old house and the new house. The road took me past the funeral home where Alice laid waiting. Waiting for me to change out of my dirty clothes covered in cleaning fluid and dust and to put on 'something nice.' They were waiting for me to come to the room with the lace doilies on the table and the tissue box covers and the reproduction furniture. The room where I was treated with kindness, perhaps with a little too much familiarity, and given the folder containing the invoice. In this room I was brave and almost stoic until I read the first line of the invoice;
1. Infants coffin lined with white satin.
Then I sat crying realising perhaps for the first time what I was actually doing in the room with the potted ferns and the blackwood sideboard and the soft tissues. I was here to arrange the cremation of our tiny baby. The baby that would never lay on my chest, feed at my breast, feel her fathers strong hands or see the smiling face of her sister. Our baby that would not dig in the dirt searching for worms or laugh at the songs and stories we would tell her.
Alice Buttons was cremated on Tuesday 23rd September. We were not there. We held no ceremony. Not because it is not important but because we want to choose our own way to remember Alice.
Tuesday, 23 September 2008
But the next day we returned and the sun was shinning and we felt a little happier to be here. Happier to be here but not happy. Far from happy. Perhaps the furthest I have been.
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
I am still in a blur, packing boxes and crying and feeling like it didn't really happen. Often I think that Alice is warm and safe inside me. And then I realise she is not. Then I remember that she is dead.
Family and friends have been wonderful. People I have never met and perhaps never will have sent their best wishes. Flowers have arrived from dear old friends and darling friends close by have taken such wonderful care of us and our darling Minnie. Friends have written such beautiful words.
Our lives will never be the same again.
Monday, 15 September 2008
Sunday, 14 September 2008
‘…we also know that we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute, no matter what may fill the gap, even if it be filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else. And actually, this is how it should be…it is the only way of perpetuating that love that we do not want to relinquish.’
Sigmund Freud, in a letter to a friend after the death of his daughter.
[Freud, S (1929) Letter to Binswanger in EL Freud (ed.) Letters of Sigmund Freud, New York, Basic Books]
Saturday, 13 September 2008
Friday, 12 September 2008
Woodend VIC 3442
OUCH Ink148a Pakington Street
Geelong West VIC 3218
Made590590 King StreetSydney NSW 2042
Monday, 8 September 2008
Friday, 5 September 2008
Friday, 22 August 2008
I can tell you that cooking for 9 is very different to cooking for 2 and a toddler. I can also tell you that if I have to make another cup of tea, I may implode.
Even if I have not been commenting, I am lurking around the blogging world. Hello to you all.